


Sufferer

by starryskies (sakurawaltz)



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Angst, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Spoilers, Work In Progress, it's not actually self harm but it could be uncomfortable for some people
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-05-05 01:27:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5355830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakurawaltz/pseuds/starryskies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I think things that I shouldn't. I dream things that I shouldn't. I want things that I shouldn't and it's all because of one thing; I do care about you."  -- H.M.Ward</p><p>"Loving you was the most exquisite form of self destruction" -- anonymous</p><p>Bittersweet story of love and revenge told through Takumi's perspective</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATE (5/17/16): I've decided that rather than writing a sequel, I'm going to include the continuation as chapters on this fic. I'm not completely finished with Chapter Two because I've been experiencing some extreme writer's block, but I will post what I've proofread and fixed up so that this doesn't sit idle for too long.

Takumi sat up in his bed and wiped the tears from his face. He hadn't had a dream like that in a long time. It wasn't a nightmare. He was used to nightmares. He could handle nightmares. But..

He slid out from under his blankets, shuffled out of his room and onto the balcony overlooking the palace's courtyard. The cool night air nipped at his dampened cheeks. He silently cursed the brain inside his head. That dream...

She had been next to him, smiling and beautiful. He could almost feel her. He could feel how soft her skin was when he touched her cheek. He felt warm and whole looking at her. Takumi couldn't help but smile back at her and lean down to meet her lips. Kamui...

Tears began to fall from his eyes again. His shoulders shook a little with his sobs. He tried to keep from making too much noise, as to not disturb the night. He felt so stupid. He was supposed to hate her. She choose his enemy.

She choose to leave him...

* * *

Takumi got word of Kamui arrival from Hinata. He made his way down to the rest of his family in the throne room. He didn't know how he was supposed to react. His older siblings were overjoyed, but he was anxious. She was as good as Nohrian in his mind. He heard she had been fighting alongside Nohrian troops when she was found.

He found his siblings already there, with Queen Mikoto, and a stranger. Kamui, he thought. Queen Mikoto stood in front of the girl, obstructing his view slightly. He could admit, at least, that he was curious about what his long-lost sister was like, but he couldn't get a good view until he reached the rest of his family. Mikoto finally stepped out from in front of Kamui. It was then that Takumi got his first clear view of her.

She was beautiful, fairer even than his own sisters. Her silken hair danced as she walked. Her body was fit, yet still round and curved. She walked barefoot and with her shoulders back. She seemed to radiate charm and poise.

Takumi's heart skipped a beat...

* * *

 

Takumi's watery eyes drifted to the stars. He thought to his philosophy books. From them, he learned that the universe and stars were far bigger than any of his problems or pain, but he couldn't help but selfishly think that the pain Kamui caused was bigger than deities and stars and everything combined. How could she leave him? His mind began reeling. Maybe she had been lying the whole time, he thought. Maybe she had set up the whole thing.

He knew in the back of his mind that Kamui wouldn't. He knew she was too gentle for that, but he couldn't help it.

He was hurt.

* * *

The night Kamui arrived, he beat himself up in his mind. There was so many things wrong with his feelings. She was his sister, and she was from Nohr. How could he fall for her? He was smarter than that. He sat on his bed, head in his hands. His head roared with a headache. Everything about this was wrong.

Nightmares plagued him that night.

He spent the day avoiding Kamui. It wasn't terribly hard because his siblings monopolized most of her time. Meals were spent trying to avoid looking in her direction. He put on a scowl anytime she spoke to him. He pretended not to listen, but he he actually drank up every word.

 

He continued the act, and Kamui seemed to have bought it, until she followed him to his archery practice. She watched him silently until he finished. "Nice shooting," she said, making her presence known. Takumi jumped and aimed an arrow in her direction. She let out a small yelp and shielded herself with her arms. "Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to startle you! Please don't shoot!"

"Why shouldn't I? You're from Nohr. You could be spying. You could be planning to attack from the inside," he said. It most the he'd ever said to her at this point.

"Why don't you trust me?"

He lowered his bow and looked away from her, by habit. "I told you. You're from Nohr. That should be reason enough."

"I want you to trust me. We should be able to trust each other."

He sighed. "I agree, but I don't think I could do that. I've been taught all my life to hate Nohr. Why should that change now?"

"Because it seems I'm not Nohrian."

"You were raised by them. That's good enough for me." Takumi looked over at her and regretted it. She was dressed like a Hoshidan-a pink robe wrapped around her body, tied shut by a matching obi. He recognized the garment. It was Hinoka's. Something about this irked him. She was still stubbornly barefoot, and as beautiful as ever, despite this.

"I can't help my past, but I have control over my future. I don't want our nations to go to war."

"'Our'? So you still hold loyalty to them even though you learned the truth? That they kidnapped you and brainwashed you?" His voice grew louder with anger. He dropped the bow in his hand and moved towards her.

"N-no, I mean... I can't just entirely forget about my adopted siblings in Nohr. They still cared for me," she replied, trying to hold ground against the taller Takumi.

Takumi got as close to her face as he dared. He looked her dead in the eyes. His anger subsided and he looked away as he began to blush. "Choose your words more carefully next time," he grumbled. His shoulders relaxed and he left her in the archery range.

He was frustrated. He couldn't keep his cool around her. He was either angry with her or in love with her, or angry that he was in love with her. Someone was going to find him out, and he couldn't let that happen.

 

Kamui showed no signs of fear or resentment towards Takumi. She almost seemed determined to befriend him, now. She continued to try to make friendly conversation. He never responded to her prattling. He thought he was doing well playing off his coldness towards her, but that night after supper, Queen Mikoto asked him to accompany her on a walk.

"Have you been alright, Takumi?" she asked in her hushed voice.

"What do you mean, Mother?" he answered, suppressing his nervousness

"I mean that I haven't had a chance to talk with you since Kamui's arrival, and I want to know how you've been." She walked with a slow, gliding gait that made Takumi uncomfortable. He knew she meant to interrogate him.

"I've been fine."

"Have you been speaking with Kamui?"

"Err, yeah, a little." He began to choose his words carefully.

"You don't trust her," she said, reaching a conclusion. She seemed to be beckoning his protests.

"Well, I-"

"I have something to give you, Takumi," she stopped walking and turned to face him. She produced a small white envelope from the folds of her robes. She held it out and smiled at him, her kind eyes meeting his. "I trust you'll accept it?"

"Uh, yeah..." He took the letter and turned it over. His name was written on the smooth front side of the envelope. His mother's handwriting made the kanji of his name elegant. He began to open it carefully.

"Oh no, not here. Do not open this letter until you are truly in love."

"Err, what?"

"All will be clear then, but for now you must promise to not read the letter until you are certain you are in love."

He thought it about. He wasn't sure if this letter was the royal decree of a wise queen or the musings of an aging woman. Either way, he knew better than to question his mother. "Yes, I promise, Mother."

Her eyes turned sad, but her smile remained. "I can't believe you're at an age that we can talk about love, my child..." she laughed a little. "You've always been smart and strong, Takumi. I know those things will serve you well in your life. I know you'll make the right choices when your time comes."

Takumi wasn't sure why, but he felt like his mother was saying goodbye. He still had questions, but he decided he'd rather not break the now looming silence. They finished their walk with the quiet between them.

That night, Takumi couldn't sleep. The letter glared at him from its place on his bedside table. He couldn't shake the weight it had on his mind. The conditions Mikoto gave with the letter were unnaturally heavy. How will I know if I'm truly in love, he thought. He had already come to accept that he fancied Kamui, but was he certain that he loved her...?

He couldn't. She's his sister, and if they became lover, the royal family would receive a bad name. They would become a laughingstock. He turned on his other side, banishing the letter from his sight.

His head hurt, once again. He'd lost a lot of sleep since Kamui arrived.

* * *

Takumi scoffed. He'd lost even more sleep since she'd left. He knew he couldn't forget her, let alone forgive her. He wiped the tears from his face and took in one last sharp and chilly breath before walking back into his room. He went to grab the brush from the bedside table. His hand lingered over the now-opened letter before finally taking the brush and running it through his tangled hair. He had to do something with his restlessness. Doing nothing but feeling sorry for himself was eating him up inside. He pulled his pale hair into a ponytail and picked up the bow in the corner of his room. If he couldn't sleep, he'd at least do something useful.

He slid open the door to his room and tiptoed through the palace. He followed the familiar path to the freedom outside. He made his steps as silent as possible, so he didn't wake up anyone. As soon as he was outside, his mind began to wander again.

* * *

The next morning, at breakfast, Takumi had a hard staying awake. He didn't hear what Kamui had said until Sakura tugged on his sleeve. "Nii-sama is talking to you," she whispered.

"Huh!" he jolted up in his seat.

"I was just saying that I'd love to learn archery from you later today, but if you're too tired, maybe tomorrow..." Kamui started.

Takumi's face felt hot. He could almost feel his siblings eyes on him, but his mother's eyes bored into him. He was getting a sneaking feeling that she knew something. "I-uh. Today's fine, Kamui."

"Okay, just tell me when!" she smiled before finishing the last of her breakfast. She got up and left the room, Sakura following her.

Takumi had an anxious feel ball up in his gut. Ryoma gave him a careful look over from across the table. "You're blushing," he observed.

The comment only made his face turn more red. Hinoka gave a chuckle, "She doesn't bite, I don't know why you don't like her."

"I just don't think he remembers her like we do, Hinoka," Ryoma said.

He was right, after all. Takumi doesn't remember ever meeting Kamui before she came back. He was too young when Nohr kidnapped her for him to remember properly, but that wasn't the problem. "Well if you two are going to discuss the inter-workings of my brain, I'll just excuse myself," he got up, his breakfast left half-eaten. He hadn't had much of an appetite lately.

"We weren't teasing you!" Hinoka promised.

"I know you weren't," he sighed.

As he left the room, Ryoma called after him, "Hey, Takumi?"

Takumi turned around, "Yeah?"

"Could you try to give Kamui a chance? She's trying really hard to fit in here and, well... She wants to be friends with you. With all of us, actually, but you've been cold towards her. Can you just promise me that you'll keep an open mind about her?"

"I want to, Ryoma, I really do. But it's hard for me not to think of her as my enemy."

"Just try. Please?"

"I'll try," Takumi concluded and left, shutting the door behind him.

"Like this?" Kamui asked, showing off her stance to Takumi.

"Your feet are too far apart, you'll lose your balance like that," he said, nudging her back foot in a bit. "Okay, now try taking the shot."

She let the arrow fly. It just barely hit the edge of the target. "Ughh," she groaned. "This is so hard. I'm amazed by how well you do it."

"I-uh, I've practiced for a very long time. That's all it takes is practice," he avoided her gaze.

"You make it look so easy! I'm very jealous," she smiled at him.

"How about you try one more," he responded, trying to change the subject quickly.

She got into stance. "How does this look?"

"You need to, uh," he started. "Push out your chest a bit more." She responded to his criticism too well, overdoing it. "No, like..." His hands shook as he lightly touched her belly, directing her torso into place. "And keep your arms straight," he moved her arms up from behind her. He could make out the smell of flowers in her hair. His senses went into overload. This is wrong, he thought. This is so wrong. Their eyes met and before he could realized what had happened, her lips met his. He wasn't sure who moved first, but as quickly as it had happened, he pulled away. "I'm sorry, this... this is wrong. I need to go. I'm so sorry, Kamui."

He rushed to his room. His lips tingled where they touched Kamui's. As soon as he reached his room, and found the envelope by his bed and tore it open with shaky hands. Inside was a single piece of paper. He read each word frantically.

Takumi,

I write this in hopes to ease your mind. I fear it may cause some strife in your head, however. Please read this carefully. To start, I am not your mother by birth. You will always be my child in my heart, but I am not the woman who bore you. In fact, Kamui is the only one of you all that I am truly the mother of. Your father, Sumeragi, married me and accepted my child, Kamui, as his own, as I accepted you and your siblings as my own. I do not know who your true mother is, I am sorry about this fact. I do hope you find peace in these words, Takumi. You will do well in your life, I am certain.

Takumi read the letter again. He couldn't believe what he was reading. His guilt melted off his shoulders, but in its place, he felt confusion and uncertainty. How could this be possible? How could he have lived his whole life not knowing this?

He decided to not to dig much deeper into it. Besides, all his shame and fear had been lifted from his head. He silently thanked Queen Mikoto, though he was still uncertain how she'd known. Likely motherly instinct, but... Should he still call her "mother"? There were still things left unclear in his mind, but they were things he could live not knowing about.

Dinner that night hadn't been any less awkward than previous meals had been, but at least Kamui was quiet this time. After the meal, he asked Kamui to meet him in his room. He hoped the invitation hadn't seemed to suggestive, but it was the only private place he could think of.

He waited for her. He rehearsed what he was going to stay in his mind, but nothing sounded right. Finally, he heard a light knock on his door, and she entered his room.

"If this is about earlier, I'm so sor-" she started as she closed the door.

"No, it's not. Well, it is, but... Queen Mikoto gave me this letter the other night, and it says, well... Kamui, we're not siblings by anything but marriage."

"What?" she said, a little too loudly.

"Shhh. You're not King Sumeragi's daughter, just as I am not Queen Mikoto's son. We..."

"We can love each other," she smiled.

"We... what?" he said, this time being the loud one.

"Takumi, I love you, and not as a brother."

"You've made me so happy, Kamui, because I do, too." He was smiling now, too. They looked at each other as if they were deciding who should move first. Finally, the space between their lips was filled. The smell of her hair was once again intoxicating as he kissed her. His kisses trailed from her lips to her jaw and eventually her neck. He picked her up, hardly moving his lips from their place on her, and moved her to his bed. She was as beautiful as a goddess, and he planned to worship her.

* * *

The string of his bow snapped sharply against his wrist. His wrists were becoming bloody from his bowstring, but he didn't care enough to put on his arm guards. His shoulders ached from overuse, but he couldn't stop. All five targets were littered with arrows, the red centers of each like a pincushion.

His mind went over that night they spent together and he got more angry each moment. More and more question arose in his mind. He should've known he couldn't stay happy for long...

* * *

Kamui stood between two armies, forced to pick one of them. Takumi felt certain he knew where she'd end up. There was no way she'd leave him. There was no...

They met each other's stares. He saw tears fall from her eyes. She looked away to Ryoma and said, "I-I'm sorry, my Hoshidan family, but... I side with Nohr."

Takumi felt the air exit his lungs all at once. Tears filled his eyes and the army around him charged forward, following Ryoma. His limbs felt like lead. His head couldn't keep up with what was going on around him. Ryoma had engaged Xander. Sakura had run to him, crying. She clung to his sleeve, but he couldn't bring himself to comfort her as well as she needed. He felt a twinge of hatred. Time sped up and he ripped Sakura off of his arm before jumping into the battle.

He fought his best fight in his life that day.

 

It was quiet that night. Takumi didn't leave his room, Oboro and Hinata hung close around him. Mikoto must'be guessed that he would be upset and sent them.

Oboro spent the time venting. "Gods, those Nohrians need to lay off. They steal Kamui away years ago, and now they steal her again! What asses!"

Hinata tried to quiet her. He could tell Takumi didn't want to talk about Nohr or Kamui. He eventually shooed Oboro out of the room and sat next to Takumi. "You really ended up caring about her, didn't you?"

Takumi wiped his nose, "Yeah, I guess I did..."

"You need to talk about it?"

"Look, you need to promise not to tell anyone..."

Takumi told Hinata everything. About the letter, the archery practice, the night they spent together. Hinata listened intently, reserving his judgement. When Takumi had finished, Hinata could do nothing but give him a sad smile. "I-I'm sorry, that's rough..."

"Why would she leave, Hinata?"

"I can't be certain, but you can't change the past."

* * *

Kamui had something just like that to him.

_"I can't change my past, but I have control over my future..."_

She was right. He could change his future. I swear, he thought, to kill her when I have the chance. I swear to make her and all of Nohr pay.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (This chapter is under construction still!!)

Takumi stared at the wall across from him blankly, pretending to be interested in what his brother was saying. He always found war councils boring, but now they were even more painful. Before, he thought they were silly because they never actually did anything they said they would, but now that Kamui had aligned herself with Nohr, they were itching to finally do something. They wouldn’t lose their princess a second time.  
Ryoma was particularly fiery, speaking with a zeal Takumi hadn’t seen from him in war councils before. Takumi knew it wasn’t completely a facade, but he saw the tears that Ryoma was trying to hide. He knew those tears well; they were threatening to choke him, too.  


He wondered if Ryoma knew the truth about Kamui’s birth. He almost gave laugh thinking about telling his siblings that their treacherous “sister” wasn’t even their sister at all. What a twisted thing that would, he thought, cynically. Would they even care about her after that...?  


Takumi shook his head a little to clear the thoughts from his brain. Of course Ryoma would know. He would’ve been old enough to remember Mikoto’s arrival. He got the feeling, however, that Hinoka and Sakura didn’t know. They were unshakably loyal to Kamui. The truth could ruin them, especially after Kamui’s betrayal. He made a silent vow to keep it a secret.  


“...and Takumi, my brother,” Ryoma’s voice boomed his name. Takumi straightened in his seat and returned his attention to his brother. “You’ll be taking your troops down to the port town of Dia to secure that area. We need to keep Nohr out of there while I visit with the Rainbow Sage so we can get out as quickly as possible.”  


“Brother, Dia is in Nohrian territory. We’ll being making a very clear statement, one they will definitely return,” Takumi started.  


“I must visit the Rainbow Sage. It is said that if you complete his trials, you will be granted limitless power, power we will need if we plan to take on the Nohrian army.”  


“What if I encounter Kamui?”  


“I don’t believe you will, I imagine they wouldn’t want her in a vulnerable position right now. I would be shocked if she’s anywhere other than locked in a castle. But if you do, try to bring her in alive first, but you have permission to kill the traitor if she won’t come peacefully.”  


Takumi nodded and looked down at his hands, which were folded neatly in front of him. He wondered if he had it in him to kill her if it came down to it. Ryoma returned to addressing the whole council and Takumi returned to staring at the wall directly behind Ryoma. He studied the hard stones. They contrasted the fragile paper that made up the other walls of the room. Fragile outnumbered sturdy. He believed that was true of the people inside, as well.  


Ryoma’s voice grew, but his words never entered his ears. They deflected off the numbness in Takumi’s head. Suddenly, the voice stopped and the room roared. Takumi felt the twinge of blood thirst he had felt the night before. He wanted to fight Nohr with everything he had. The nothing inside him turned into a burning flame.  


The room began to clear and Takumi locked eyes with his brother. Ryoma gestured for him to come and Takumi walked over to him. His legs were heavy from sitting on them too long. Ryoma looked at him with tired eyes and said, “Know that sending you to war is the hardest decision I’ve ever made, Takumi, but I trust your abilities and your judgement. It’s why I’m keeping Hinoka here. She’s too rash regarding matters to do with Kamui.”  


“I promise I’ll be fine, Brother,” Takumi feigned a smile.  


“Just… stay alive out there. I don’t want to lose my brother.” Takumi could hear his voice quiver. He placed a hand on Ryoma’s shoulder.  


“We’ll ride home together as soon as this is over.” This time, it was Takumi’s voice that shook.  


Ryoma wiped a tear from his eye, but more took its place. He gave a weak laugh. “This’ll never do. People would be terrified if they saw their princes crying before war.”  


They both laughed weakly, trying to banish the tears. “I’d better get ready,” Takumi finally said.  


“Go,” Ryoma replied. “We’ll see each other soon enough.”  


Takumi left the meeting and started towards his room. He walked fast. He didn’t want to hear his brother cry.  


When he got to his room, he wiped his tears away. He didn’t have time for this. He was surprised he had any tears left after the night before. He tried distracting himself, and scanned the room for things he’d need to bring with him. The Fuujin Yumi, obviously, he thought. Hair ties, extra shoes, an extra weapon in case Hinata forgot his… His eyes settled on the letter next to his bed. He picked it up in his gloved hands and turned it over. He stared at his name on the front and his heart prickled with sorrow when he thought of his mother. He tucked the letter into his clothes. He didn’t want anyone to find it in his room.


End file.
